After eighteen years in Los Angeles, seven months into the pandemic, I returned to the small town in Switzerland where I grew up. Everything felt familiar and yet so foreign. Feelings that had long been silent in my soul rose to the surface. I went back to all the places of my childhood and old memories came alive. I made photographs as a way to stay grounded amidst this whirlwind of emotions. Often, I turned the camera to myself which felt very healing. I was drawn to creating very dark images. I could only see the shadows. I felt at a threshold between who I was and who I will become.
When the world shut down in 2020 I, like so many, was faced with loss, fear, anxiety and loneliness. In the past four years, darkness spread in so many aspects of life. Political turmoil, climate change, division in society, armed conflicts. I could feel this heavy energy weighing on humanity. The feeling came in waves. I felt like I was grieving while searching for answers, calm and stability. There were days of obscurity and others with glimpses of light. I followed its path and sometimes found a way out.
In March 2020 what seemed like a distant threat became reality for all of us as we were forced to self-quarantine. Our lives changed drastically and since then we have been learning to deal with a wide range of emotions and a new normal. I find myself fluctuating between being anxious and worried and yet trying to find a silver lining in all of this, all while raising a child, comforting a husband, and needing to create art.
While dealing with this inner storm I still have to be the best mother I can be to our toddler. I am trying to help him navigate the wide range of emotions that he too is dealing with, without him being able to understand why this is all happening. My heart aches for him.
There is solitude and a longing for freedom and at the same time a gratitude for the smallest things that we used to take for granted. I find the inner peace in those rare moments spent in nature.
By documenting this time, I recognize the passage of time, but I also have found solace in learning the language of my life – a shaft of light as it moves through a room, the way my son’s hair curls over his shoulder, the beauty of an afternoon walk. And it’s in these unremarkable moments that I can finally breath again.
Motherhood turns your body and mind upside down. I have suffered from Insomnia for the past three years and am in a constant fog, which causes me to experience life in fragments rather than in whole.
I am two persons: the woman I knew before and the woman I am still getting to know. I struggle to find my new identity and in the process I am learning to let go.
Motherhood Reconsidered explores my journey from an honest perspective, without fear of showing the dark sides. Pure happiness is all that is expected, but the truth is there are a wide range of feelings beyond that. Nothing goes according to plan.
Infertility is not something people talk about. It is mostly kept secret to protect oneself from getting hurt. I certainly didn’t talk about it, until now.
After a period of trying and failure, I felt the need to express my sorrow and pain through photographs. I needed to give voice to our struggle in order to survive the emotions of loss and wanting. I needed this experience to be seen, to be heard and to be understood.
In the process of interpreting our journey, I came to the the powerful realization: our child was giving us the time to find ourselves. This path made us realize who we really are and what we want for the future. It made us conquer our fears and old traumas. It made us grow beyond the idea that a child would complete us.
Some say that children choose their parents and if that is true, we have been given the gift of time and self-knowledge. After over three years of silence I have decided to reveal the secret with my very personal series The Journey. My hope is to bring infertility out of the shadows and begin a conversation.
Ever since I was a child, I have always been known as being overly sensitive. I now call that same sensitivity a blessing.
Human beings and what they hide behind what I call “the mask” have always fascinated me. Nowadays, social media allows us to present a happy, carefree and always successful image, whether it is true or not.
Society dictates that deep and dark emotions should not be shown. Most people are scared to share their deepest thoughts, to make themselves vulnerable and to be judged.
In Attraverso (In-Between) I am exploring intimacy and human emotions. These emotions are expressed behind glass. The glass symbolizes a shield to the outside world, but its transparency still allows us to observe. The subjects are given their space, to take off their mask and just be.
Usually my mind races, thousands of thoughts all at the same moment... It is in nature that I find peace and quiet. In every plant, tree, flower, lake, river and field I see depth and beauty. Everything seems to make sense and I can take a deep breath. It feels like taking a walk through my life, but as an outsider observing and taking it all in.
At times like this when the world seems to have gone crazy, I feel we have to reconnect with nature. Have mother earth pull as back into the core of life, the center of our soul. It is only within us that we will find the answers...
Nature is the phenomena of the physical world collectively.
With Natura I am exploring these thoughts and expressing them through nature.
A rainy night, a cab driver, a mysterious woman and a ride through the night. Two people who have lost their dreams meet and share a unique experience. As unexpectedly as the woman appears so suddenly she leaves, but she has left something behind…
Written, Directed, Produced and Edited by Shari Yantra Marcacci
ROOM 411” or “The thin Line between Mania and Depression” is a visual diary, a mosaic of thoughts and emotions, a journey into the mind remembering three days which have left a deep trace in the life of a man, my father.
Written by Frank Marcacci
Directed, Edited and Filmed by Shari Yantra Marcacci
A deaf dancer trapped in an abandoned weaving mill tries to free herself through dancing...
